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Jacks Corner

a Chance for a few old Salts to Cackle

 

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 Post subject: Re: Sergeant Blackman
PostPosted: 30 Dec 2016 12:36 
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PO PO

Joined: 13 Dec 2013 09:53
Posts: 2160
Location: Guzz rating
Thought you might like this one
FW: NELSON AT TRAFALGAR IN 2016–

A ‘progressive’ Navy shocks the Admiral….the last line is the most important, historically.
NELSON AT TRAFALGAR – IN 2016 ~

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags…What’s the
meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability – What gobbledygook is this for God’s sake?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting
“England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of
the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch.

….Report from the crow’s nest, please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They
won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you
saying that Sir. …You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your
life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban
on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about homosexuality?”

Hardy: “Very legal sir. Some call it an alternatve lifestyle. Some
are demanding to have ’special’ rights if you are of that ilk, and
if you speak ill of the behavior it may well be a hate crime.

Nelson: “In that case………….. Kiss me, Hardy.”



P.S. This is not a reflection of our views – it is just a joke in case the PC brigade come looking for us.

_________________
"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Sergeant Blackman
PostPosted: 30 Dec 2016 14:26 
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Commodore Commodore

Joined: 01 Dec 2006 20:53
Posts: 20656
Location: South West England
Now that one is as old as . . . . er . . . Nelson, trouble was he didn't stick to it well, wrong kind of "sticky stuff!"

And for some of us NO I will not be discussing the type of stick stuff used!


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 Post subject: Re: Sergeant Blackman
PostPosted: 30 Dec 2016 20:41 
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Lt Lt

Joined: 19 Feb 2009 21:35
Posts: 11750
Location: COALVILLE LEICESTERSHIRE
you spoil sport..you..


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 Post subject: Re: Sergeant Blackman
PostPosted: 30 Dec 2016 22:05 
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Commodore Commodore

Joined: 01 Dec 2006 20:53
Posts: 20656
Location: South West England
totally!


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